i think that i am lonely
in this godforsaken room
i'm alone and i am scared
and i'm not sure what to do
sometimes i cry myself to exhaustion
never sure of the reasons why
and i succumb to fitful slumber
wondering when i'll die
this is not a suicide note
or some pathetic plea
for someone to understand
and come and comfort me
this is only how i feel
bitter, tired, alone
depressed and feeling shallow
i cry, i bitch, i moan
i've no best friend
she left me here, personality 180
she's embarrassed to be seen
around the likes of stupid me
how would that make you feel
to be ditched by someone you thought you knew
and no one else around could quite come close
and there was nothing you could do
vapid and obsequious
horrid little bitch
i'm sick and tired of hearing
every single little hitch
laughing, smiling
faking it without a fucking care
i want to scream, cut the phone
rip out my freaking hair
i want to sleep and be comforted
by the familiarity of a dream
the endless blackness, no despair
and everything as it seems
sometimes i'm rather lonely
this i must admit
but do i want my friends? not quite close...
or a group who treats me like shit?
ooh, tough choice, hilarious really
what a stupid fucking joke
i love my friends, i really do
those bitches; i'd gladly choke
it's not their fault we just don't click
i just can't fathom why
i always hide, from their friendship
as if i were too shy
don't spend too much time
don't date that guy
don't let yourself get close
cuz what if next time you hang yourself
they think it's a fucking joke
i want him; i want her
it's difficult to choose
when i'm also jealous of both of them
it's cause for me to brood
so confusing is my life
simple mediocrity?
i don't think so, no one does
it's filled with electricity
shock me, freak me
hit me, kill me
beat me with your bat
i hate you, i hate you!
i fucking hate you
you fucking bastard rat!
i want to be loved
i want to love back
why am i so uncomfortable
you can't get close
if you won't let them touch you
i'm sure that by now
i know that
but what stops me,
religion? please...
i know that's fucking bullshit
i respect those who believe
in something that they need to
i was taught, believe in yourself
and that's why i'm an atheist.
don't give me crap
i'll throw it back
right into your vacant face
don't give yourself so much credit
when i'm laughing right back at you
enough with your problems
i'm not your fucking psychiatrist
you think you have problems?
just... whatever!!
you think you're so smart
you think you're so great??
you think your life's so fucking unbelievable?
just spend one day, thinking like me
you'll change your fucking attitude
you think i'm afraid
you think i'm avoiding you
so fucking what?
i'm stuck here on this planet earth
in my desolate little rut
a doodle here
a rant over there
a self esteem so low
i've learned over and over
to love myself
and it's shot down with one blow
one insult is flung
across my face or rather
at me and poisonous; meant to hurt
my emotions to be battered
why do i care
why ask why, i really want to know
why live is so confusing
why it's a fucking freak show
but in the end, ironic huh?
it all comes down to loneliness
because i'm hurt and i can't be healed
or rather, i won't accept it
have i become used to my battle scars
which kill from the inside out
do i not want to demean myself
by giving out my heart
shouldn't that be something
i can do with ease?
why does it cause me to freak out
and clench me with unease?
am i lesbian?
is that the reason
why i'm uncomfortable around guys
i've never been asked out by a girl
so i wouldn't really know otherwise
i don't know what's going on
i'm so messed up- i know
that if i don't get myself some help
my brain is likely to implode
but... if i get all gushy
around the guys
are around all the girls too...
i figure i'm bisexual,
but is it necessarily true?
do i fake it to be different?
no, i don't think so...
can i not stand to be with a boy
is that why i don't like them?
but.. to be held is different,
i can see it both ways
the arms of muscle or silk
i'm not quite sure what i would choose
but now i feel all this guilt
did i lead them on?
i didn't mean to!
it just happened, i swear!
i... i just wanted to be friends i guess
and he wanted to know where to go from there..
now i can't even look him in the eyes
another good friend lost
this is making me nuts i swear
when i can't even collect my thoughts...
having a crush is a nice feeling
and it's also safe
if you don't want to commit to someone
and you don't want them in your face
why not want to commit?
how retarded is that?
why am i the way i am?
am i just messed up, is that it?
oh this is going on forever,
i just can get a break...
so in the words of dear hamlet's father
i guess i'll just be brief
life is a bitch and then you die
filled with unhappiness and heartbreak
and no matter what's happened
it all seems to go back to the one thing i can't take
i'm lonely here, in this fucking room
with those bastards screaming their heads off
i want to escape into my covers
and just take a load off
i want my problems gone
want to paint in peace
want to live, let it go
this... madness
it's tearing me up
and it won't go away,
but there's nothing i can do
cuz i'm so lonely